I've lost two friends this week - one age 41 and the other age 35. Between bouts of sadness, I've been sitting in contemplation, asking questions. What are the lessons? Why the loss of such lovely spirits so young? Sometimes the question is just "Why?"
As a single mom for almost 7 years, I can look back and see the lessons. Had I asked some key, powerful questions, I might have learned some of those lessons sooner and even had the opportunity to miss having to learn some quite painfully. It took me a few break-ups to sit and ask myself the lessons I needed to learn and the things I needed to pay attention to before embarking on the next relationship.
Are the questions you're asking yourself empowering questions? Do they help you to focus on the good, to move forward, to forgive? It may be hard to look back with compassion to the people who treated you poorly, forgive them and release them to their greater good ~ but the benefits to you are amazing! Don't begrudge anyone, it only serves to hold some valuable mental real estate that could be better used to help you to become the successful single mom I know you want to be, for yourself and your kids.
Ask yourself questions that make you feel great, or at least better. Here's one to get your started: "How did I get so lucky to have such great kids?"
I know, given the choice, I'd much rather thrive than just survive, and from what I hear, so would most anyone -- single moms included! Unless you're a single mom, or you've been one (married moms with husbands who work a lot do not count), it's impossible to understand the stress that goes with the job. I'm a believer, though, in making the best out of every situation. It's possible to be a single mom and thoroughly enjoy the process.
To that end, I've compiled a few great tips for thriving as a single mom:
- Arm yourself with secret weapons. That could be anything that makes life easier (bag of snacks and water stashed in the car) or anyone (another single mom -- current or former -- i.e., someone who gets it, who is willing to be on call and an extra set of hands) or anywhere (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?).
- Get organized at night, get out the door in the morning. Before you lay down to sleep, lay out your clothes and your kids' clothes. Pack their lunches. Pack your lunch (and some snacks, just in case). Get their school stuff in order and by the door (or in the car). In the morning, it's all about getting out the door without anyone shedding a tear, something in their tummy, on time. That is all.
- The laundry will wait. Wash it, dry it, and leave it in a chair. Or play a game called "let's fold the laundry" together and blindfold yourself with a t-shirt while trying to fold. The operative word is "game" and games are fun! Your kid won't know laundry is supposed to be the most horrible job ever (until you tell them it is)!
- Work when it's time to work, be a mom when it's time to be a mom. Give yourself permission to be fully present in every moment. Do the best you can in those present moments. Enough said.
- Turn off your (cell) phone after 6 p.m. Be with your kids. Be with yourself. Just enjoy those precious moments as much as you can. I consciously don't work a lot of times because I know someday I'll have all the time in the world to work, a no sweet 10-year-old Lexi to snuggle with anymore.
- Only obsess over things you'll remember in a year. If you have to make PB&J every night for dinner until you get over that cold, or use Google to help you kids finish their homework, so be it.
You can thrive, be truly alive, and enjoy each and every day. The choice is yours.
Blessings and light, Honoree
With a list of things to do as long as your arm, I know it's tough to take some time for yourself. Perhaps the likelihood of you taking a two-week European vacation is as likely as me going to the moon (very-highly-unlikely). I get it.
Time to relax, recharge and rest is an absolute necessity. It's good for the mind, body and spirit. As usual, single moms are the first to put themselves last, so what can you do? You can take mini, super-mini and ultra-mini vacations.
The mini-vacation: a two-to-three-day weekend when your kids are at their dads, their grandparents or your best friend's house. When I have a few days to myself, I do all of the things that just aren't possible when my sweet daughter is around: read a book uninterrupted for hours, take a looooong nap, go window-shopping, meet a good friend for lunch or maybe even a spa day (afternoon?) ... this list is endless!
The super-mini vacation is from a few hours to 24 hours long. It's can be the ultimate self-care stay-cation. Buy some bath potions, get a nice bottle of wine, some ice-cream and other favorite foods and put yourself in seclusion. Or put yourself in seclusion with an amazing girlfriend so you can catch up ... or another special friend.
The ultra-mini lasts from 30-seconds to 5 minutes. Try a closed-eye meditation that allows you to release tension from every inch of your body and infuse it with good vibrations. You can find great, free meditations on iTunes or YouTube. Sometimes if that's all you get, that's all you get. Make the most of what you get!
In the end, putting yourself first will make your kids feel amazing! Wouldn't you agree that every kid wants a happy mom?
Spend some time very soon taking care of you.
My daughter doesn't care how much money I make (or don't make), what kind of car I drive or how good I look in a pencil skirt, all she wants is quality time. She wants to help me cook, play the Wii, even help me file my receipts. She's an excellent "shipper" ... she puts labels on packages I mail out and stamps on notes I write. All of that in her mind is QT: quality time.
It's so hard working, keeping the house in order, the paper monster under control and let's not mention the dust bunnies (dust rhinos?) that need to be eliminated. All of that can wait, I've discovered, in exchange for the joy I see on my daughter's face when I shine my light on her.
So we've been playing games, reading books together and every day for the past couple of weeks I've taken her to the pool. In our community we have a great pool where the residents gather to eat, socialize and play (let's not forget tanning, there's a lot of tanning going on!). Even with 45 minutes between homework or errands or karate, we run up there just to have a smidgin of fun before it's back to whatever is next.
I know for sure I'm all the better for turning off the computer, the phones, and the TV and just asking her what she wants to do with me. Sometimes it is turn on the computer and play a game, rent a movie and pop popcorn or just read another book in the Nancy Drew series. Take some extra time very soon to shine your light on your kids and watch how happy all of you become. That's what I call a successful single mom in action!
The first couple of years of being a single mom were some of the toughest and darkest years I can remember. Wondering if I would be single forever. Hopeful I would be a good mom and would raise a happy, well-adjusted young lady. Wanting to be successful enough to provide not just the basics but some extras, too.
The lesson that kept repeating itself until I got it (and isn't that the way it always is?) was this: Everything always works out the way its supposed to, and suffering is optional.
Worrying doesn't help. Stressing doesn't help. Trying to force a result doesn't work. The only thing that I know for sure that works is to let go and have faith. A positive attitude and expecting great things also makes the process easier.
If you're "in your shit," in the midst of a challenge, or just having a tough day, let the situation go. Expect everything to work out for the good of all concerned and put your focus on what's really important: you and your kids.
Hang in there, single moms. It really will all be okay.
"The antidote of fear is faith." ~Honoree
