I recently devoured the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I wouldn't have read it, except that I truly and thoroughly enjoyed her book Eat, Pray, Love a couple of years ago and have been anxiously awaiting any thing else she would write (Elizabeth, I hope you're writing more!).

Being happily (re-)married for over a year and a half now,  I've "discovered" a few things about self-love, dating, and becoming committed to someone once again (most of it in hindsight, hopefully helpful to you, dearest single mom).

First, the more I worked on myself and grew as a person, a mom, a business woman, and a friend, the less attached I was to finding a new partner. However, because I spent so much time working on myself, I have attracted a man (not a boy, ahem) who treats me and my daughter with love, respect and such deep caring it is sometimes hard to fathom. My only regret is that I didn't start that process sooner, instead of wasting so many precious evenings, hours, and days on this or that guy.

Second, and because of the aforementioned work, dating became intentional without attachment. I knew what I wanted, but wasn't thinking or hoping or intending that the next date would be my last first date. I found it better, for me, to be in a state of curiosity about the person with whom I was sharing a meal, learning about him, instead of wondering if he was "the one."

Finally, commitment of this magnitude to me represents two rings that operate independent of one another, yet the shared space is chosen ... because sometimes life is too bad to be alone, and sometimes its just too good to be alone! I chose an interdependent relationship, rather than a co-dependent or just plain dependent one (this time), and it is working out beautifully.

It is important to note that Ms. Gilbert put far more thought into her remarriage than I did to mine. If I were still a single mom, I would have read her book and learned many helpful things ... you might, too. I would, thankfully, have ended up in the same space.

Hopefully you are out in the world, dancing joyfully, mothering with peace and love and fun, all while working on yourself. If you would, add to that the sense of knowing that the right and perfect partner will come along at the right and perfect time. Until then, enjoy yourself and enjoy the journey.

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I chatted with you awhile ago about holding out for Mr. Wonderful. There's nothing better than being in relationship with a truly amazing human being that you can't imagine living without.

When coaching the single moms, we talked about our sex lives post-divorce and what we'd learned. I promised I'd share what I'd learned. Maybe you'll find a little helpful nugget here ...

The same woman that taught me to say what I wanted and ask the tough questions taught me about how sex affects a woman. Apparently we're biologically set-up to be "connected" to a man from the time we have sex with him until we have our next period. Theoretically, we could be pregnant, so nature has us so that we don't just move on to the next guy.

That's all fine and great if we've found a solid guy who has our best interests at heart. Not so great if he's a player who could potentially break our heart. Being able to speak up for what you want (and don't want) and asking about his intentions before you hop in the sack can save you some easily avoidable heartache.

Once I gained that clarity, I stopped rushing to add the sexual component to my relationships and was able to sort through the players to get to the good guy. Without even blinking an eye.

Might I also add that I learned to make sure that my potential suitors found me and my body type hot and sexy ... up or down 30 lbs. or more. Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who expects you to look a certain way (i.e., wear make-up all the time ~ yuck), or maintain a certain weight. I like working out as much as the next gal (), but I just can't be overly concerned about having an extra cookie (or 7) now and again.

Coach's suggestion: Get clear about what you want. Get clear about what you don't want. Say it early, before you get attached. Avoid getting attached to the wrong guy by saying and asking. Take your clothes off when you're sure it means something (it doesn't have to mean everything, but it is good if it means something).

While you're doing all this, getting yourself some pretty undies is a great idea (just so you're prepared!).

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 Lexi, Age 5 ... end of year 2 of SingleMomDom

I was single for six and a half years (that's 2,372 days!). During that time, I dated every jackass from A-Z. There were some good guys in there, too ... my attraction to "player - bad boys" probably had me pass on a couple of suitable mates. In any event, more than 3 years ago, I got some very valuable advice that I believe helped me to find and choose the man who is now my husband.

I thought now might be a good time to pass this advice and information on to you, since some of you have asked. I also just had about the 20th conversation with a woman who's in a relationship that's "pretty good." I was there, too, and I opted to end it. I knew it wouldn't be forever and I knew it wasn't what I needed in the long run (it was safe, I was adored, but I wasn't challenged ...). I have found myself saying that Good Enough will eventually lead to unhappiness and (probably) an end to that relationship. Plus, I believe everyone deserves a true Mr. Wonderful!

The first piece of advice was to choose a man who I was not instantly attracted to ... meaning, I could wait to see if there was substance underneath the sex appeal. Next, I was to define my reason for dating and share it on the first date. Third, pick a guy that was immediately attracted to me, my mind and my body type (and someone who didn't place conditions on 30 lbs. up or down ... who just loved me for me, all of me). Finally, he had to have the same values and aspirations. (There was one more thing: wait to have sex until ... well, that's a whole other post! So, more on that later.)

For me, this meant I had to be unattached to the outcome. If he didn't call, I couldn't care. If he did call, great! It also meant I had to say why I was dating (note: there are all kinds of reasons for dating ... companionship, regular sex, to get married, to not get married, to have children ... or any combination of these and many more). I wanted a mutually-beneficial, sustaining relationship with my best friend that could last for the rest of my life (marriage and additional children not a must, but not against it entirely either) with a man who could love my daughter as his own. And, I have a few things going on, and I wanted someone who thought a strong, woman up to big things was really freakin' cool (not an assault on his fragile male ego).

 Sunset Wedding in our Backyard

 Beachfront Honeymoon on St. Maarten

Because I was unattached to the result at this point, I could take my time and discover who I was meeting and get to know him. I was able to say what I wanted, ask what he wanted, and ask other tough questions without wondering (worrying) if he liked me ... or not. 

Last August, I married a truly wonderful man. He's loyal, honest, ambitious, funny, intelligent, kind and my daughter loves him. (Almost as much as I do!)

 I think its important to note that once I got this advice, I took myself off the market. No dating. At. All. For. 3. Years. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself. I got very clear on what I wanted (see above) and then got busy becoming the person "that guy" would be attracted to ... a woman who was whole, complete, self-sufficient, powerful and all-around just a pretty happy person (with or without a man). Apparently for me, that process took about 3 years. Sometimes I can be a slow learner. :) 

If you desire a relationship that is magical, hopefully some of my words will be helpful. I wish you all of the joy and happiness your heart can stand, and just the minute you desire it. Being married to Mr. Wonderful was truly worth the work, and the wait.

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