I recently devoured the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I wouldn't have read it, except that I truly and thoroughly enjoyed her book Eat, Pray, Love a couple of years ago and have been anxiously awaiting any thing else she would write (Elizabeth, I hope you're writing more!).

Being happily (re-)married for over a year and a half now,  I've "discovered" a few things about self-love, dating, and becoming committed to someone once again (most of it in hindsight, hopefully helpful to you, dearest single mom).

First, the more I worked on myself and grew as a person, a mom, a business woman, and a friend, the less attached I was to finding a new partner. However, because I spent so much time working on myself, I have attracted a man (not a boy, ahem) who treats me and my daughter with love, respect and such deep caring it is sometimes hard to fathom. My only regret is that I didn't start that process sooner, instead of wasting so many precious evenings, hours, and days on this or that guy.

Second, and because of the aforementioned work, dating became intentional without attachment. I knew what I wanted, but wasn't thinking or hoping or intending that the next date would be my last first date. I found it better, for me, to be in a state of curiosity about the person with whom I was sharing a meal, learning about him, instead of wondering if he was "the one."

Finally, commitment of this magnitude to me represents two rings that operate independent of one another, yet the shared space is chosen ... because sometimes life is too bad to be alone, and sometimes its just too good to be alone! I chose an interdependent relationship, rather than a co-dependent or just plain dependent one (this time), and it is working out beautifully.

It is important to note that Ms. Gilbert put far more thought into her remarriage than I did to mine. If I were still a single mom, I would have read her book and learned many helpful things ... you might, too. I would, thankfully, have ended up in the same space.

Hopefully you are out in the world, dancing joyfully, mothering with peace and love and fun, all while working on yourself. If you would, add to that the sense of knowing that the right and perfect partner will come along at the right and perfect time. Until then, enjoy yourself and enjoy the journey.

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I'm on my way here in just a few hours (Harbour Island, The Bahamas). I'm taking my first two-week vacation ever, and I'm so excited! Its also my one-year wedding anniversary today. There simply a lot to be thankful for and I am definitely (beyond!) thankful.

I met a woman a few days ago who said, "You wrote this book, but you're married. How did you come to write the book?" During the course of the conversation, she all but told me I was probably very unrelatable to the average single mom, and then asked me how I got from "there" to "here."

I'll address the first point first (makes sense, yes?) First, I was a single mom for more than six years. A sometimes optimistic, sometimes angry and sad single mom. I believe I have experienced just about every challenge my fellow single moms have experienced. I can relate to you just as easily as you can relate to me. Second, I'm now a successful remarried mom. Those two things I think pre-qualify me.

How I got from there to here could and will be multiple posts. I'll start where I started: with a decision. I made the decision to not settle for anything, ever again. I decided to raise my standards and upgrade my expectations ~ in every area of my life.

There were several opportunities I had to marry a great guy, take a job in lieu of growing my business, stay in a home I liked but didn't love ... and each time I challenged myself to (a) say out loud what I really wanted and (b) go for each and every one of them, no matter how rocky the road.

Because I'm a coach, I don't want to just share my journey with you, I want you to experience your own best life!! Here are some questions to help you get started:

1. Where do you have 'pain' (emotional, spiritual, financial, in relationships, physical and professional) in your life?
2. Where do you know you're not living up to your potential and what's possible for you?
3. Decide right now you're no longer willing to settle for, and what you're going to strive to achieve ~ no matter what. Write those things down.

Shining a light on the dark areas of your life is quite possibly the most courageous thing you may ever do. Remember that you will survive it and you will thrive because of it.

To you!

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 Lexi, Age 5 ... end of year 2 of SingleMomDom

I was single for six and a half years (that's 2,372 days!). During that time, I dated every jackass from A-Z. There were some good guys in there, too ... my attraction to "player - bad boys" probably had me pass on a couple of suitable mates. In any event, more than 3 years ago, I got some very valuable advice that I believe helped me to find and choose the man who is now my husband.

I thought now might be a good time to pass this advice and information on to you, since some of you have asked. I also just had about the 20th conversation with a woman who's in a relationship that's "pretty good." I was there, too, and I opted to end it. I knew it wouldn't be forever and I knew it wasn't what I needed in the long run (it was safe, I was adored, but I wasn't challenged ...). I have found myself saying that Good Enough will eventually lead to unhappiness and (probably) an end to that relationship. Plus, I believe everyone deserves a true Mr. Wonderful!

The first piece of advice was to choose a man who I was not instantly attracted to ... meaning, I could wait to see if there was substance underneath the sex appeal. Next, I was to define my reason for dating and share it on the first date. Third, pick a guy that was immediately attracted to me, my mind and my body type (and someone who didn't place conditions on 30 lbs. up or down ... who just loved me for me, all of me). Finally, he had to have the same values and aspirations. (There was one more thing: wait to have sex until ... well, that's a whole other post! So, more on that later.)

For me, this meant I had to be unattached to the outcome. If he didn't call, I couldn't care. If he did call, great! It also meant I had to say why I was dating (note: there are all kinds of reasons for dating ... companionship, regular sex, to get married, to not get married, to have children ... or any combination of these and many more). I wanted a mutually-beneficial, sustaining relationship with my best friend that could last for the rest of my life (marriage and additional children not a must, but not against it entirely either) with a man who could love my daughter as his own. And, I have a few things going on, and I wanted someone who thought a strong, woman up to big things was really freakin' cool (not an assault on his fragile male ego).

 Sunset Wedding in our Backyard

 Beachfront Honeymoon on St. Maarten

Because I was unattached to the result at this point, I could take my time and discover who I was meeting and get to know him. I was able to say what I wanted, ask what he wanted, and ask other tough questions without wondering (worrying) if he liked me ... or not. 

Last August, I married a truly wonderful man. He's loyal, honest, ambitious, funny, intelligent, kind and my daughter loves him. (Almost as much as I do!)

 I think its important to note that once I got this advice, I took myself off the market. No dating. At. All. For. 3. Years. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself. I got very clear on what I wanted (see above) and then got busy becoming the person "that guy" would be attracted to ... a woman who was whole, complete, self-sufficient, powerful and all-around just a pretty happy person (with or without a man). Apparently for me, that process took about 3 years. Sometimes I can be a slow learner. :) 

If you desire a relationship that is magical, hopefully some of my words will be helpful. I wish you all of the joy and happiness your heart can stand, and just the minute you desire it. Being married to Mr. Wonderful was truly worth the work, and the wait.

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There are more than 11 million single moms in the U.S. That's a large presence for any one group to have. Yet what I notice is that as a group, or tribe, this group is NOT owning its power or presence or greatness. We're not taking control of our lives, our future and our success.

We have been taught, I believe, to "survive" as single moms. We've been taught it has to be hard. We have to do it on our own. We have to struggle. We will most likely screw up our kids. We can't have it all.

I disagree. I strongly disagree.

I think its time for a Single Mom Revolution! A paradigm shift in how single moms think, act and believe about themselves individually and as a group. I think its time for single moms to band together and own our greatness. Its time to create a new belief system, a new way of looking at singlemom-dom.

What would happen if we believed:

• Its easy(er) to be a single mom.
• We get to do it on our own. We can choose to find someone wonderful to do it with, it we want to.
• We can thrive, create abundance and live lives of greatness.
• Our kids are future rocks star (presidents, radio show hosts, business owners and humanitarians) and because we're their moms, they will turn out to be unstoppable and fantastic.
• We can have, do, be and create whatever our hearts desire. No shit, no kidding.

Its a new day and its time to play a bigger game, ladies! Its time for you to own how fantastic you are ~ you've made a person (or people), so your body is amazing. You keep food on the table and the lights on ~ therefore, you are a terrific multi-tasker. You laugh at yourself, even when the chips are down ~ therefore I know there's a rockin' sense of humor in there. You are so full of amazingness and possibility, just what are you going to do with it?

Stop commiserating about how bad it is, and start collaborating with one another. Many hands make light work! Together, we can do anything! Stop playing small and asking for "just enough to get by" and start asking for what you really, truly, deep down in your bones want.

Right now. Start asking right now (even if you think nobody is even listening. They are, but that's another post). Get a journal and start writing (I'll get back to you on this soonest).

Check back often, because there's a Single Mom Revolution starting right here and right now. I'm going to be leading it, with a group of successful single moms, and together we're going to give you all of the tools, ideas, strategies and hope you need to make it happen. Get ready! Here we go ...

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