I recently devoured the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. I wouldn't have read it, except that I truly and thoroughly enjoyed her book Eat, Pray, Love a couple of years ago and have been anxiously awaiting any thing else she would write (Elizabeth, I hope you're writing more!).

Being happily (re-)married for over a year and a half now,  I've "discovered" a few things about self-love, dating, and becoming committed to someone once again (most of it in hindsight, hopefully helpful to you, dearest single mom).

First, the more I worked on myself and grew as a person, a mom, a business woman, and a friend, the less attached I was to finding a new partner. However, because I spent so much time working on myself, I have attracted a man (not a boy, ahem) who treats me and my daughter with love, respect and such deep caring it is sometimes hard to fathom. My only regret is that I didn't start that process sooner, instead of wasting so many precious evenings, hours, and days on this or that guy.

Second, and because of the aforementioned work, dating became intentional without attachment. I knew what I wanted, but wasn't thinking or hoping or intending that the next date would be my last first date. I found it better, for me, to be in a state of curiosity about the person with whom I was sharing a meal, learning about him, instead of wondering if he was "the one."

Finally, commitment of this magnitude to me represents two rings that operate independent of one another, yet the shared space is chosen ... because sometimes life is too bad to be alone, and sometimes its just too good to be alone! I chose an interdependent relationship, rather than a co-dependent or just plain dependent one (this time), and it is working out beautifully.

It is important to note that Ms. Gilbert put far more thought into her remarriage than I did to mine. If I were still a single mom, I would have read her book and learned many helpful things ... you might, too. I would, thankfully, have ended up in the same space.

Hopefully you are out in the world, dancing joyfully, mothering with peace and love and fun, all while working on yourself. If you would, add to that the sense of knowing that the right and perfect partner will come along at the right and perfect time. Until then, enjoy yourself and enjoy the journey.

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 Lexi, Age 5 ... end of year 2 of SingleMomDom

I was single for six and a half years (that's 2,372 days!). During that time, I dated every jackass from A-Z. There were some good guys in there, too ... my attraction to "player - bad boys" probably had me pass on a couple of suitable mates. In any event, more than 3 years ago, I got some very valuable advice that I believe helped me to find and choose the man who is now my husband.

I thought now might be a good time to pass this advice and information on to you, since some of you have asked. I also just had about the 20th conversation with a woman who's in a relationship that's "pretty good." I was there, too, and I opted to end it. I knew it wouldn't be forever and I knew it wasn't what I needed in the long run (it was safe, I was adored, but I wasn't challenged ...). I have found myself saying that Good Enough will eventually lead to unhappiness and (probably) an end to that relationship. Plus, I believe everyone deserves a true Mr. Wonderful!

The first piece of advice was to choose a man who I was not instantly attracted to ... meaning, I could wait to see if there was substance underneath the sex appeal. Next, I was to define my reason for dating and share it on the first date. Third, pick a guy that was immediately attracted to me, my mind and my body type (and someone who didn't place conditions on 30 lbs. up or down ... who just loved me for me, all of me). Finally, he had to have the same values and aspirations. (There was one more thing: wait to have sex until ... well, that's a whole other post! So, more on that later.)

For me, this meant I had to be unattached to the outcome. If he didn't call, I couldn't care. If he did call, great! It also meant I had to say why I was dating (note: there are all kinds of reasons for dating ... companionship, regular sex, to get married, to not get married, to have children ... or any combination of these and many more). I wanted a mutually-beneficial, sustaining relationship with my best friend that could last for the rest of my life (marriage and additional children not a must, but not against it entirely either) with a man who could love my daughter as his own. And, I have a few things going on, and I wanted someone who thought a strong, woman up to big things was really freakin' cool (not an assault on his fragile male ego).

 Sunset Wedding in our Backyard

 Beachfront Honeymoon on St. Maarten

Because I was unattached to the result at this point, I could take my time and discover who I was meeting and get to know him. I was able to say what I wanted, ask what he wanted, and ask other tough questions without wondering (worrying) if he liked me ... or not. 

Last August, I married a truly wonderful man. He's loyal, honest, ambitious, funny, intelligent, kind and my daughter loves him. (Almost as much as I do!)

 I think its important to note that once I got this advice, I took myself off the market. No dating. At. All. For. 3. Years. I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself. I got very clear on what I wanted (see above) and then got busy becoming the person "that guy" would be attracted to ... a woman who was whole, complete, self-sufficient, powerful and all-around just a pretty happy person (with or without a man). Apparently for me, that process took about 3 years. Sometimes I can be a slow learner. :) 

If you desire a relationship that is magical, hopefully some of my words will be helpful. I wish you all of the joy and happiness your heart can stand, and just the minute you desire it. Being married to Mr. Wonderful was truly worth the work, and the wait.

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Honoree's been after me to post an update on my "Baby Steps", but I've been hesitant because there hasn't been a whole lot to post.   The old saying "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", is something that I hold dear.  Of course that sometimes keeps me very quiet.  However, she talked me into posting anyway, no matter what I had to say... good, bad, or ugly.  So here it is, the brutal truth.

 That first day after I posted was the only day I've stuck to my steps.  I guess the only positive thing I can say is that I haven't gained any weight since I last posted.  Which is why I didn't want to post yet.  I don't like being a "negative" person, I like being positive, cheerful, encouraging... but honestly, I'm not always those things.

 I can give you all sorts of reasons why I haven't exercised, from being busy at work to not feeling very good.  All true, at least to a certain extint.  If I had really wanted to, I could make the time and force myself to exercise, but I didn't.  I wanted to want to, but I didn't.

 So, now I have to figure out what it is that is keeping me from getting myself into good health.  I know I want to lose weight, gain more energy, and feel better, but what obstacles, what old beliefs are keeping me where I am?  Am I really just too lazy to change my habits?   Do I still feel that I need to be punished for things that I'm still feeling guilty about?  Am I afraid of rejection of those around me?

Ok, that last one, that sounds silly doesn't it? But it hit a nerve!  Is it possible that I'm afraid that those I love will reject me when I'm healthier?  Could the fear of rejection really be keeping me in this body and frame of mind?  Ok, I"m going to really look at this because my eyes are welling up with tears at the tought of losing my boyfriend if I got thin again.

Why would I feel that he would reject me if I was healthy?  Well, maybe because all the other men in my life rejected me while I was healthy.  Maybe my heart and soul have connect the two without my conscious mind realizing it!

First there was my dad.   I never met my dad until a few years ago.  And although he didn't outright reject me, he also didn't "work" or try to get to know me after I found him.  I tried for a little while to create a relationship with him, but he wasn't putting any effort into it.  I finally stopped trying, figuring if he wasn't willing to at least meet me half way, then he wasn't worth my effort.

Then there is my brother, who I haven't talked to in about 7 years.  He was the only man in my life growing up, he was my hero as a little girl, but he stopped being even a brother to me 7 years ago.  

The two men that meant the most to me in my life have made me feel like I didn't matter.  But now, Steve, he makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world.  He cares about me in a way that I thought was not possible.  I love him with all my heart and soul and know that he loves me the same.  But there's a part of me that wonders how long that will last.  Wonders if there is something about me that will push him away.

I know that he loves me just the way I am.  He's even told me that I'm cute and sexy right now.  Not that he wants me to stay overweight, but he wants me to know that he wants me as I am, no matter what that is.  I guess, I'm just afraid that if anything changes about me, that it will somehow change his love for me, or jinx it.

 That sounds rediculous!  It's certainly not very rational or logical, but since when are negative feelings rational or logical... usually their the exact opposite!  So what do I do now?  How do I change this fear of losing this wonderful man into something logical?

*hint there's this great book out for single moms to help them get their life back, maybe you've heard of it?  The Successful Single Mom by Honoree Corpron.  Believe me when I tell you, I refer to this book and the things that are in it all the time!

In Chapter Two "Create a New Story", Honoree has a section about the truth.  In it there is a "Truth Test".  During the program that the other single moms and I went through, she had us do this as well.  However all this stuff that I'm discovering right now about my weight issues did not come up.  So I"m going to do it now.

Old Truth - If I lose weight or change myself in any way, I"m going to lose Steve.  He's going to leave me any minute because every man I have ever cared about has left me.

Is that the Truth?  NO!  Steve loves me, no matter what.  Our relationship is very strong, has gone through many things and he's still here.  We keep getting closer together, not further apart. 

Why is it false?  Just because other men in my life have abandoned me, doesn't mean that Steve will.  It was a problem within themselves NOT ME!  I am worthy of being loved and having a wonderful relationship and I deserve a good relationship.  Steve is not like the other men in my life.

How do you feel when you think its true?  I feel like crying.  I feel a pit in my stomach and my heart aches to think of losing Steve.

How do you feel when you think its false?  Much better.  I feel hopeful and positive and strong when I think that I deserve to be loved.

What could my new truth be?  That I am a strong, caring, loving, wonderful woman who deserves the most amazing kind of love there is.  The kind of love that is unconditional and long lasting.

I fell much better now.  I feel strong and positive and hopeful!  I think I've been holding onto that for a while and didn't even realize it.  Maybe I can let go of the fear and move onto happier healthier things.

So now that you've read through this incredibly long and rambling discovery post with me, I'd like to ask you something.  What is a "Truth" that you are holding onto that is keeping you from being successful? 

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Debbie asked me if I could help her and other single moms find Mr. Right. I think so ... maybe. I got married just over five months ago, after being completely single and not dating for more than three years.

I found that being clear on what I wanted and what I didn't want (dealbreakers, like smoking, dealing drugs or having an addiction to other women, drugs or smoking) was helpful. Also, I spent a good portion of that three years working on myself.

Basically I fell in love with my life! I started doing things I was interested in (yoga, pilates, flamenco dancing, cooking, crochet and travel) and became irresistibly attractive to myself ... which, in turn, made me attractive to others (including to my now husband).

My advice is to do what I did above, and anything else that makes you feel good. Set a high standard and no settling! Make sure you have fun, laugh as much as possible and move forward. When the time is right, he'll show up.

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