My story starts out as a little girl. I was that little girl who pleased everyone and did everything to perfection. I was the honor roll student. I was the star artistic roller skater. I was the all around athelete at school. I was the founder of SADD (Students Agaisnt Drunk Driving) in my high school. You name it and I did it. I can vividly recall coming home to my father and being all excited to tell him that I got an "A" on my test at school. I can remember wanting to see that smile on his face or the words "Great job Julie". Unfortunately, 9 times out of 10 I was told, "Why didn't you get a 100%? What question did you miss and let's review why you missed it?" I can remember feeling horribly disappointed in myself for not pleasing my dad, but yet I still kept on the pursuit for that 1 out of 10 times where he might say, "Great job Julie".
My parents got divorced when I was 16. My life before 16 was a normal two parent home on the outside. Actually, it looked great on the outside, but on the inside it was a home with no love at all. I don't want to discuss alot of my childhood because I believe my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time, and I love and respect them very much. When the divorce was final, I ended up living with my father and my little brother and sister were taken to England with my mother. Not an easy transition at all for a teenager, but you play the hand that is dealt to you and fight through anyways. I graduated high school and then went onto college because my dad told me that was the right thing to do. I always did what my dad told me. I asked him what to major in and he said business and accounting. I graduated with honors in that field. I was still living at home, still coming in before midnight, still following my dad's rules, still trying to please my dad until a man came into my life a couple months after graduation. Now I had a new man to please and this was another very hard transition.
How do you please two men at once??? Your dad and your boyfriend. What a mess that was for me internally but of course I never EVER let it show. I moved out of my dad's home and worked about 80 hours a week so I did not have to face anyone but my job. I knew I could handle my job. Of course, I quickly ran up the ranks in the CPA world and wanted to go to the next level in life and buy a home. What a painful decision that was!!! Can you imagine trying to buy a home and please your dad and your boyfriend? Of course my dad wanted me close to him in Encino and my boyfriend wanted me about 45 minutes away in another county. So, what is a girl to do??? I decided to throw my hands in the air and not please anyone (including myself) and we moved to Las Vegas. I figured I could start over and no longer be under the reigns of my dad.
Please understand that when I say "reigns of my dad" I am not saying anything negative about him. I did this all to myself. It was all internal and I never let any of my feelings be known to anyone. I put all this pressure on me. Not my dad. He is a wonderful person.
I figured Las Vegas is perfect for my boyfriend because he is in the construction industry and I could help him get a "real" job. A job my dad would be proud of and respect. We (boyfriend and I) had a 5 year goal to stay there and then move back to LA. I figured in 5 years I would be away from my dad long enough that I did not feel the need to always please him and that I could come back to LA with a little cash from the booming Las Vegas economy and everyone will be happy little campers. Boy was I wrong.
When I got to Las Vegas, I instantly started my job at Arthur Andersen and continued working the same 70-80 hours a week. Of course, my boyfriend did not like this at the time. I was on a mission to buy my first home. I always told my dad that I would buy my first home before I was 25. That I did!!! Things seemed great. I had accomplished all my goals in life and my dad was pleased with me and very very proud of me. For the first time, a family friend told me, "Julie, your dad is so proud of what you have accomplished in life". My face glowed and I was so excited to hear those words from a family friend. Yet, I never heard them straight from my dad. Needless to say, I was still trying to do everything to please him and my boyfriend. I had no hobbies and I had no idea who I was or what I liked. I just worked and made money, while my boyfriend played and spent the money on all his hobbies. Really, can anyone blame him??? Who would want to sit at home alone. This carried on for another 2 years or so, and then we decided it was time to have a baby. We got married and started trying to conceive. My baby girl was born in Jan 2004 and that was the day my entire "perfect" world came crashing down.
I now had a third person in my life to please and this little cutie was my pride and joy. She was my entire world. Problem was...I had absolutely no parenting skills or training. Nor did I have anyone to call, because I was not speaking to my mother at the time (due to divorce related issues). I was at a total loss. I didn't know why my baby was crying. I didn't know how to stop her. I didn't have any help from my husband. He would disappear on hunting trips or spend the whole day at work or do whatever else he felt appropriate. I was tired, upset and just flat out beaten down. The doctor put me on meds for post partum depression because I was having thoughts of complete hopelessness. I was in a situation that I couldn't control or make perfect and I was failing and didn't know what to do. Perfection is a horrible standard to have to live by.
I needed to get back to work after 6 weeks of birth, and I couldn't figure out what I was going to do. I had no real friends or family in Las Vegas, so I did the best I could and took Hannah to work with me. Lucky for me, I had an office so I could breastfeed in private. Unlucky for me, Hannah was allergic to my breastmilk and screamed all day with colic in the office. You can imagine how long this lasted??? I was forced to find an alternative path. So, I did what I never said I would do... I enrolled hannah in full-day daycare at about 4 months old. I had no choice. I was beaten down and devastated. I was losing it at work, losing it at home, and losing this perfect girl that I always tried to be. I ended up telling my husband to leave the family home because I could not support two people anymore and Hannah had to come first. He left and we divorced. I don't want to go into the details of the divorce because they are really inconsequential to my story. I respect my ex-husband to this day. He did the best he could at that time with the skills he possessed. Please note that we knew each other since we were 13 years old and met at the roller rink as kids. A sweet story actually that I will tell one day if asked. We are civil these days and have Hannah's best interest at heart. Trust me... we don't agree most of the time but that is why we are divorced ;)
The one thing I was always able to do was work. I was a good employee. I think I worked so hard during these times because I was pleasing my boss. I knew I couldn't please my husband, my daughter and my dad... so I guess the boss is the next best thing. I was made partner in the firm after my divorce. Things were looking up in the world finally once again. Or so I thought. For whatever reason I wasn't happy and I couldn't understand why. I was a partner in a CPA firm. I was a mother to a beautiful child. I owned two cars, two dogs and a huge home and I was doing it all by myself. On top of that, I had acheived every goal I had set forth before the age of 30 (becoming a partner was my final goal and I wanted to accomplish it before I was 30). So why wasn't I happy? It never struck me until I sat down and started the 100 day program.
During this program, you have to ask yourself hard questions. At least they were hard to me. Questions like, "What do you want?" These were very difficult questions for me because I never asked them before. Furthermore, I was puzzled because I had everything monetary that I wanted so now what??? I can remember looking at Honoree with those "deer in headlight eyes" and saying, "I don't know". Do you know how hard it was for me to say the words, "I don't know"? Then, I was told to write down a vision or a dream. I was told to pretend that there were no rules, and that I was a 5 year-old once again. The things I wrote down that day astonish me still now. I realized alot about who "Julie" was at that moment in time. One of the most important things I realized is that I was still allowing myself to be controlled by the people in my life. That was the day I decided to take my power back. It was the best day of my life. OK, I LIED... It was the second best day in my life. Hannah's birth was by far the best :) The changes I started to make in such a short time were phenomial or crazy (you pick the word).
At this point in time, I was living with 3 people who needed to move out of my house but I didn't want to tell them to leave because I wanted to be nice. You know... people please!!! I felt like I was helping them out because they had put themselves in a bad situation. It was my ex-brother in law, sister in law and their roommate. Mind you, the sister in law was my best friend at the time as well. This was the second time they came to me begging to move in because they were going to be homeless. The first time I had to evict them for non-payment of rent in excess of $8,000. At the time, these people were my only friends in town (not the true definition of a friend but the only definition I had at the time). I had rationalized it so much that I believed my daughter was better off with these 3 people living in our home because they could help me and protect us. When in fact all they ever did was take from us both. It is amazing how the mind can rationalized such an irrationale situation. Needless to say, I did not see any of this clearly until working through the 100 days. I put all my trust in the Vacuum law. I put my faith in Honoree and the 100 day program and I kicked them out. It took me 4-5 police calls and about $5,000 in damages. They decided they wanted to squat in my home and cause damage until the police removed them or they just got tired of sitting there 24/7. Great friends huh? Remember, this is an uncle and an aunt to my daughter and they are destroying her home. I am sure they rationalized that somehow in their minds. Not my place to judge!!! The conclusion to this is that... I got a new roommate about a month later. She is a breast cancer survivor and one of the most positive people in my life and my daughter's life. She is wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better roommate. But wait... it get's better. Just about a month ago she told me that her old roommate wanted to leave the home she was renting and wanted to know if I would rent my last bedroom to her. Now I have another wonderful lady in my home. A complete god sent!!! I couldn't have dreamed anything better. That is how this stuff works. You just have to make the changes and have faith that things will get better.
Along with the change in roommates, I also realized that I was extremely unhappy with my partnership/job. This was a much harder task at hand. I attempted to speak to the other two partners on many occassions about my unhappiness but it fell upon deaf ears over and over again. I then tried to seperate myself without causing damage to the firm and clients but unfortunately that came crumbling down as well. My two partners were really trying to hold a death grip on me and couldn't understand why I needed to leave the firm. Finally, after alot of really bad decisions on their behalf, I decided it was time to just cut my losses and run. This was by far the most risky endeavor I had ever undertaken. I am now a single mom with no income and a very very large mortgage and monthly bills. YIKES!!!Unfortunately, to this day I am still in talks with them as to how to resolve issues with the partnership, but I can tell everyone that I am extremely happy. I am no longer under the control of the partnership. I can't get into alot of details regarding the partnership seeing as the dissolution is still in the works. I can tell you that I wouldn't change a thing, and I wish the lightbulb or this 100 day program would have come along much sooner.
I wish everyone who reads this the best of luck and I truly believe in this program and I believe that everyone can take their power back. Please contaact me with any concerns or questions you may have on your journey.
Julie
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