Ahhhh...the weather is soooooo beautiful.  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have a BACK YARD to wake up to.  MMMM.....sipping coffee on a PATIO!!!

 Can I tell you how exquitise it is?!!  Truly!!  It's these profound simple moments that are so precious when I are IN them.  When I sit and experience them...  ooo... ahhh... ooohhhh. 

 We are gradually getting settled into the new house.  I love this place.  It's such a cute little neighborhood, we've made new friends, and th ere are bike trails--whoohoo!     I have really missed biking with Sierra.   And now I am able to take Tristan in the bike trailer and Sierra can follow along on her own bike.  It's been awesome.  We bike to the store, to the pool, to the park.  It's so wonderful.

Anyway, I thought I would just share the bliss.   Hope you are all enjoying your moments wherever you are. 

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So I have had an interesting couple of months connecting with former friends/boyfriends/girlfriends.  It's not something I set out to do at all... and I'm not 100% clear on why this is showing up in my life right now... but out of NOWHERE I've had at least 5 former friends/lovers contact me on facebook or just randomly show up in my life. 

Sometimes this has been hard.  It has made me wonder if somehow I should have accomplished more by this point in my life.  Did I miss my calling?  Should I have more financial success than I have?  Am I still as attractive today as I felt back then?  Have I measured up?

And it's also been interesting because I've gathered so many insights about things I was oblivious to.  A dear friend from high school confessed he was madly in love with me back then.  Wow...I had no idea.  Another boyfriend from early high school went on and on about our connections, but his memories about some of the more "poignant" moments are drastically different from mine. What memories, of any of them, are real?  How many misperceptions of my own do I still carry?

The last encounter was probably the most rattling for me.  I ran into  a woman that I was madly madly madly in love with 10 years ago.  (yes, I did date women at one point in my life).  I've half-jokingly said that Greg was my 7 year rebound relationship after Trish, but it really isn't that far from the truth.  I was SMITTEN, beyond anything... and I was devastated when she left. 

So this week I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop, when a new employee walks in.  When she turns around, I realize that it's HER.  The woman that I had wanted to spend my entire life with.  And there she is...10 years later, standing in front of me, serving coffee just like she always had (she had worked at Starbucks when I dated her).

Needlesstosay, it was a strange and fascinating moment.  We've both obviously changed physically.  It's  been 10 years, after-all, and neither of us are in our 20's anymore.  I think we both stood there gaping at each other in shock.  I can't really speak for her, but I think it is fair to say that it was a trippy moment for both of us.

I've seen her a few times this week.  And it has been an interesting journey to catch up and see what's happened.   It has also been profoundly striking to see where we both are, what we've done, and what we haven't done with our lives.  THIS insight has probably been the best gift I could have received.  I don't miss her anymore, and I don't have those crazy mad feelings either.  In fact, I'm so incredibly grateful that she left me, because it was her departure, more than her presence, that helped me evolve and grow.  It was the loss of that relationship that eventually helped me realize that I'm ok without her.  And that ultimately, I'm ok without anyone...that I'm ok, period. 

What I realized after she left was that I had truly done good work in that relationship.  That I was honest and sincere, but she simply didn't love me...and that I really didn't want to be with anyone that didn't love me.  And I also learned that I didn't need a partner to be ok.  That I was ok alone. 

It took me a long time to learn those lessons.  By the time I had woken up from the shock of Trish leaving, I was already involved with Greg and well on my way to being a mother.  I think it took me a whole year to say her name without crying.  But I survived it.  (I feel a Gloria Gaynor Karaoke moment coming on here--bwahahahahaha).

So at this point in my life, I'm incredibly grateful to see what has transpired over the last 10 years.  And seeing Trish again has made the lessons poignantly clear.  I am 1000 times better, smarter, more centered, more confident, more driven, and more passionate than I was 10 years ago.  And, in part, I am who I am today precisely because Trish didn't stick around. 

It's hard to believe that today I am so grateful to her for leaving when I wasn't even sure in the moment I could survive without her.  It's the best ironic twist of fate I have experienced in my lifetime.  But the good news (hell..the great news!) is that I have realized how much I really have accomplished in 10 years.  Sure, I'm not the richest person living in the biggest house.  But I have a really strong handle on WHO I AM, WHY I AM HERE, WHAT I AM DOING, and WHY I AM DOING IT.   I have come so far from where I was.  And I have accomplished more than I knew was even possible.  I am only getting better...every day.

So thank you...to all the former friends and lovers I have had.  It is through those relationships and experiences...each and every one of them, good & bad...that I have become who I am today. 

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It's seriously been a whirlwind month for me and my family!  I hardly know where to begin, except to say that PERSPECTIVE is everything!  As I'm sitting here reflecting on the journey I have been on, I'm incredibly grateful that I have managed to cultivate the skill and art of taking a breath and being present...for if I hadn't been able to do that I very well could have gone off the deep end.  LOL...but the good news is that I didn't lose it (even though there were a few moments that I thought I might), and I'm skating through to the other side as a better version of myself.

To sum it all up, in the last week I moved, my car died (as in forever), and I landed myself in the Urgent Care with a pretty severe bout with bronchitis/asthma....all of which took place while I was PMSing and just days before my trip to New Jersey with Sierra.  Whew. 

Needlesstosay, it's been an INTENSE week. 

Luckily, my trip to New Jersey was a 2.5 day Network Chiropractic Transformational Gate (um...yeah, hard to explain...you might want to google it..LOL).  Basically, it was a healing retreat!!  Exactly!!

I had made the committment to go to this event a few months ago when I was gifted extra money from the Universe (yeah, weird refund thing showed up in the mail).  My daughter had responded so well to Network Chiropractic care that I called the organizers on her behalf and managed to talk them into helping us get there by giving her a scholarship.  I also had a really amazing roommate that helped split the costs of the room/rental car. 

Sierra and I left on a red-eye Thursday night.  The weekend was being held in Parsippany, NJ.  My original plan was to beg the hotel for an early check-in and to spend the day by the pool, but upon further investigation of where were were going I discovered that we were only going to be minutes from the NJ Ferry to the Statue of Liberty. 

So Sierra and I landed in Newark at 6:00am, got the rental car, found a place for breakfast, and headed straight to Liberty  Park, arriving about an hour before our 9:00 tickets on the ferry.  And because we got there early, we were able to snag monument passes, which meant we were allowed to go inside Lady Liberty.  We did not get to go up to her crown because they have recently been finishing the new stairs which will open on July 4th.

Sierra, Tristan, and I have National Park Passport books, which are really fun.  Every time we visit a National Historic Site or Park we get a cancellation stamp with the date and the name of the place we visited.  So for this trip, Sierra and I got 2 new cancellations.  One for Ellis Island, and one for the Statue of Liberty.  It's always a good day when you get another stamp in your passport book!!

Sierra and I took the audio tours and really enjoyed the journey.  She was a bundle of energy until we hit the car that afternoon, and then she promptly passed out on her way to pick up Kate from the airport.

The rest of the weekend was also fabulous.  Sierra and I both received 6 entrainments as well as meeting many of the 400+ attendees.  There were a lot of other kids and Sierra had a fabulous time hanging out with them between her sessions.  Truly, Sierra just blossomed in the space.  She really was herself x10 and it was really beautiful to witness.  The end of the event is celebrated with an "Angel Wash" which is a really lovely way that everyone is able to support and give love to each other....and Sierra stood at the end of the room and literally gave hugs to every single person there.  Her heart was so BIG!  And I was a proud mom!!

For myself, the energy work was intense and I ended needing to sleep between sessions.  I don't really know how to explain Network Spinal Analysis, but it has really been an effective way for me to "connect" with my higher self/power....which was exactly what I needed after the intensity of the week before.  Additionally, with all the healing treatments I was able to reduce the amount of nebulizing I was having to do for the asthma.  Bonus!

I had arranged for my friends to take Tristan for the weekend, but his dad intervened and kept Tristan with him instead.  I'm never very happy about that because it's damn near impossible for Tristan's dad to stay sober for 4 whole days in a row, but the universe protected my kid through the weekend and I picked him up safe and sound on Monday after I got home.

 And to top it off, when I arrived home, there was a "new" car that my dad gave me so that I'm not completely stranded.   Blessings!!! 

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Well...I'm here.  LOL.  I've had a crazy few weeks and have often felt that I've had very little room to relax and blog.  Mostly, when I have had time, I've wanted to be as far away from the computer as possible...since websites and online stuff is my primary business. 

But despite my crazy busy schedule, I have still managed to continue working out consistantly.  I go to the gym after my kids get out of school every day, which has been such a good thing.  Not only does it help me get in shape &  feel more energized, it is also a great way to work through my angst.

Yesterday I had a stressful conversation with someone via telephone.  Thank goodness for the treadmill.  I've never been a huge fan of running, but yesterday it was exactly what I needed.  I don't think I've consistantly run that long in a workout...ever.  (yea me!) 

My dilemma hasn't been resolved, but I definitely felt that working out helped clear my head somewhat and keep me somewhat more sane as a mom.  I'm sure my kids appreciated that.

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So yesterday my youngest turned 4.  As the responsible parent, I generally have to plan it all.  Book the party, buy the food, send out the invitations, etc. etc.  The only thing I asked my ex to do was to show up for the party (well, and to help pay the balance).

I have full physical custody, and so my ex only has the kids one whole night of the week, from Saturday night to Sunday night.  That's it.  But somehow, he wasn't able to get his gift buying d0ne during the other 6 days, because he called Saturday afternoon to ask to pick up the kids 2 hours late so he could go shopping.  *sigh*...ok.  Go shopping.  His kid needs a present, right?

So we held the party at the local children's museum and we were all going there at 1pm.  The kids want to ride in the car with Grandpa, so we pick them up at my ex's place and head over to the museum.  The official party is from 3-5pm, but I know the kids are going to want more time.  My ex says he's right behind us and will meet us there.

That was 12:30.  We get to the museum at 1pm and the kids take off to play.  2pm and more kids show up.  Tristan is having a riot, and the clock it ticking.  2:30--no Dad.  The cake and ice cream is at 3, so I figure he'll get there soon, right?  3:50--still no Dad.  So I text him, "Where are you?"  His reply "I'm at WalMart getting more presents."  WTF!!!  For real??!!  I say "um...his party is in 10 min, I guess you are missing it?"  He replies, "I'm on my way."  Yes, we all know that BUYING presents is WAY MORE IMPORTANT than actually BEING THERE, right??!!!

I stall for time, but kids get restless and are ready for more fun.  So at 3:30 I finally cave.  We light the candles, sing to Tristan, and eat cake.  At 3:50 the kids cheer that we are all ready for more fun in the museum and we all start headed out the door of the party room when the jerk finally saunters in.

Of course the kids are happy to see him.  They give him a quick hug and off they run to go play.  He just wanders around aimlessly the rest of the time.  He doesn't even manage to play with his own son at the Museum.  I mean, really, WTF!!!!

The unofficial "after-party" is a BBQ at his place for a smaller group of family and friends (his idea, not mine).  *sigh*.  I don't want to disappoint my kids, so I do my duty and head to his place with the other friends in tow. 

Ok, so my kids are happy because their best friends are there.  And they are enjoying playing with each other.  Greg does his absolute best to be anti-social while drinking in the corner and the only people there are the ones I've invited: my dad, my uncle, Adam/Nicki and the kids. 

So I think I managed to play nice.  I didn't even make any snide comments to Greg (although it was difficult).  And overall, the day turned out ok for Tristan, but today I am seething.   How flippin' difficult is it to just SHOW UP?? 

Sierra is old enough to have noticed that her dad was 3 hours late to Tristan's party too.  So what do I say to her?  So how in the world do the rest of you manage moments like this?  How do you explain things to your kids so you don't mess them up for life??  How do you deal with your own anger?  Feel free to post your own thoughts.

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